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April 17, 2024
The Part of You You Cannot Name
At 5am I decide to whisper to you in my basement about the maddening experience of regularly seeing/creating that wildly elusive thing you crave to know yet cannot name a million times & yet: ferocious unrest.SHOW NOTES:1:1 BREAKTHROUGH VISION CO...
At 5am I decide to whisper to you in my basement about the maddening experience of regularly seeing/creating that wildly elusive thing you crave to know yet cannot name a million times & yet: ferocious unrest.
SHOW NOTES:
1:1 BREAKTHROUGH VISION COACHING
Sacred Seeing Membership for Creatives
https://www.instagram.com/biancaleamorra/
Awkward Sage Media
Transcript
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Do you ever feel like.
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There's just something.
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You don't even know what it is.
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You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.
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When I look at a photo, I make I think to myself.
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This.
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Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.
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This is the thing I can't name.
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The here it is.
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It's right here.
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And it's over here and I've made it.
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Thousands of times.
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I've I've seen it.
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I can touch it.
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Outside of me.
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This thing that I can't get at.
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I get at it.
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In a million.
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Different ways This, this, this, this, this.
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Just as mysterious even though I'm looking at it.
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Whether it's my personal work or my client work.
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With my quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.
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My whole life is about.
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A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.
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I've encountered it.
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Regularly, I'd say.
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And yet.
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Unrest.
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What is that? Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
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It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
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My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
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One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
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You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
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All you have to do is see.
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In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
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Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
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You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
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What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
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Come exactly as you are.
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It's perfect.
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Honor your instincts.
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Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
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Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
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Let's dive in.
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Hello? Hello.
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And welcome to another episode of help me see.
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I am.
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Damn near whispering right now because it is.
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Five in the fucking morning.
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Um, I just got back last night around five.
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Um, From my trip.
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I went to San Francisco.
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I went to.
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Nashville for a conference and.
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And then we did a road trip back.
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To Ohio.
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And I woke up at 3:00 AM with my eyes just being, and I just laid there.
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For.
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An hour and a half.
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And I was like, okay.
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This isn't happening.
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And it really annoyed me that I couldn't fall back asleep because.
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I just felt so much gratitude because I was laying there.
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Sandwiched between my 95 pound dog.
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And my three-year-old.
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like both of them right up against me.
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And I was like, oh my gosh, this is just the sweetest.
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Just one of those moments where you feel so grateful.
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And.
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I once again.
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I was like, okay, Bianca, just relax.
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There's nothing to do.
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Nowhere to be.
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Just sink into this and go back to sleep.
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Well, You see how that went because I'm here talking to you right now at five 16 in the morning.
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And then it reminded me on the plane.
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I was reading and taking notes and.
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And, um, Most times when I take notes, furiously, like I can't for the fucking life of me read my own handwriting.
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And.
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I went and got my notebook and I turned to this page that I like faintly remembered.
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Where it was.
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Because I also don't write in order in my notebook.
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And I mean, listen, sometime, do you start a thought? And you're like, mm, I'm not done with this, but I, I need to take a break from that.
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So I want to leave view pages so that I have space to go back to that and have that writing there.
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And then.
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Okay.
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There's a whole thing.
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I want to explain this to Ben.
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And he was like, There's something.
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Probably wrong.
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I'm like, whatever you don't understand.
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Anyway.
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I wrote.
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With a little star by it.
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Do you ever feel like.
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There's something inside of you.
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That no matter what.
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You do.
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You just cannot touch.
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Do you ever feel like.
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There's just something.
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And you don't know what it is.
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And you just cannot touch it.
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We keep just cannot.
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Get to it.
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You don't.
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You don't even know what you're looking for.
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You don't even know what it is.
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You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.
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I don't know.
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This is making me laugh because, um, uh, this past weekend, when I went to this conference, there was something that I.
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I said enough.
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Like, does anyone feel like.
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It's literally.
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Nothing.
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Correct.
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I mean, it was fine.
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Everyone was so sweet.
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But, yeah, there's just.
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Absolute.
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Crickets.
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So as I'm saying this.
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Right now.
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You very well may be on the other side of those thinking or just being like, mm.
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It's just you, babe.
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But I don't know.
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I kind of don't believe that either.
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I don't.
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I just.
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Sometimes, I think that there are these feelings that are unsayable that we have, and we.
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Can't explain it.
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And it's just a feeling, so, and we don't name it, but sometimes.
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We need other people's like really weird attempts to.
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Name it.
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In order to identify it in ourselves.
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And I think that's a really, really, really big reason why.
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Thorough myself, fling myself out into the abyss.
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So often.
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Because I know.
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That I need that so much.
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Whenever I encounter an artist, a writer at anyone, anyone, any person that says something.
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And I was like, oh my God.
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Yeah, that was it.
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Oh my gosh.
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That yes.
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Yes.
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I never isolated in that way.
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I never.
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Was able to touch it like that before, but thank you.
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Um, so in this case, I'm not actually identifying anything other than the fact that I can't identify whatever this.
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Itch is that I can't scratch.
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Um, Let me see, what else would I write? Uh, Um, Yeah.
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So after I wrote that I'm like sitting there.
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Unsatisfied.
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Like, I don't want to Geoff, I don't want to just.
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Be like, yep.
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There's that thing I was like, okay.
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But what is it? Let me try here.
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And then I wrote, it's like, when something really hits me.
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I almost can't even bear it.
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It's almost as if.
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It has to be.
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One one.
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25th.
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I have a second of exposure.
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Like on a camera.
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Because if it were any longer, I'd be afraid of what would become of me.
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Who is thinking about how, oh, it makes so much sense that.
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There are so many times where I'd rather just be with the pictures than in my life.
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I said there's like the stillness.
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That's there.
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There's a control.
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That's there.
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There's like a there spaciousness.
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That's.
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There when I have my photographs on my computer in front of me and I'm like touching them, you know, and editing and.
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Looking in, you know, doing whatever I'm doing.
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And in.
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Real life.
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Like, I guess if we want to.
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Like right.
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A couple hours ago and I'm laying in bed and, um, So grateful it's like, why did I leave bed? To come.
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And talk about it.
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I mean.
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Specifically think, oh, well let me go record a podcast episode, but I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, but I did think I just can't.
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I rest my brain, my brain, I'm so awake and I keep tossing and turning and they're literally both up against me.
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So I was like, I'm going to wake them up.
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With my restlessness.
189
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And that restlessness it's like.
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Such a.
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Part of me.
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I feel like my restlessness is like a main component of me.
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And I don't know how to feel about that.
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I don't know.
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Sometimes I think it's good.
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And sometimes I think it's bad.
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It's probably neither.
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It just is.
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I think that.
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That's definitely a huge part of.
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This thing I'm speaking to, it's like, I find that.
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And I wonder as like, You know, with makers, with creators, with people that are trying to.
203
00:12:14,209.58842605 --> 00:12:17,779.58842605
or not trying to the people that are visually creating.
204
00:12:18,619.58842605 --> 00:12:20,389.58842605
Things that are.
205
00:12:21,799.58842605 --> 00:12:23,929.58842605
Commentary reflections.
206
00:12:24,529.58842605 --> 00:12:30,409.58842605
Um, Representations of some of the most meaningful things in their lives.
207
00:12:33,529.58842605 --> 00:12:34,399.58842605
I can't help, but.
208
00:12:35,269.58842605 --> 00:12:41,149.58842605
Be more fascinated by everything that comes before it than the actual object.
209
00:12:42,359.58842605 --> 00:12:46,199.58842605
And that is such a parallel to my life experience.
210
00:12:46,199.58842605 --> 00:12:46,589.58842605
Right.
211
00:12:46,739.58842605 --> 00:12:51,989.58842605
I think about how my most cherished things in life that I love so much.
212
00:12:52,649.58842605 --> 00:12:55,649.58842605
I find myself not being able to get close enough.
213
00:12:55,859.58842605 --> 00:12:56,189.58842605
Like.
214
00:12:56,819.58842605 --> 00:13:02,619.58842605
Physically and in mentally and with my camera, like I love close.
215
00:13:02,639.58842605 --> 00:13:05,189.58842605
Uh, like closer, closer, closer.
216
00:13:06,119.58842605 --> 00:13:07,679.58842605
And simultaneously.
217
00:13:08,729.58842605 --> 00:13:12,239.58842605
It's like, I feel this inability to be with it.
218
00:13:12,239.58842605 --> 00:13:12,719.58842605
I feel this.
219
00:13:13,199.58842605 --> 00:13:14,639.58842605
This arm's length.
220
00:13:15,329.58842605 --> 00:13:16,469.58842605
Thing that happens.
221
00:13:16,469.58842605 --> 00:13:19,169.58842605
It's like, I can't get close enough.
222
00:13:19,169.58842605 --> 00:13:21,29.58842605
And also I'm holding my arm out.
223
00:13:21,989.58842605 --> 00:13:22,889.58842605
Absolutely.
224
00:13:25,889.58842605 --> 00:13:26,609.58842605
And.
225
00:13:27,119.58842605 --> 00:13:28,769.58842605
It's the same with.
226
00:13:28,769.58842605 --> 00:13:29,909.58842605
Pictures.
227
00:13:33,839.58842605 --> 00:13:42,379.58842605
Nd then the inevitable question that comes from that is like, But what would, what would happen? Like what would it look like to.
228
00:13:43,79.58842605 --> 00:13:45,989.58842605
Try something different in that situation.
229
00:13:46,499.58842605 --> 00:13:47,669.58842605
I don't even know what that means.
230
00:13:47,699.58842605 --> 00:13:48,749.58842605
Like what, like.
231
00:13:51,89.58842605 --> 00:13:52,409.58842605
Refused to take.
232
00:13:52,439.58842605 --> 00:13:54,929.58842605
A picture, refuse to let myself leave.
233
00:13:55,769.58842605 --> 00:13:58,829.58842605
A situation that I'm like, so antsy and restless in.
234
00:14:00,119.58842605 --> 00:14:05,189.58842605
Um, I don't know.
235
00:14:07,989.58842605 --> 00:14:11,109.58842605
Because I find that even if you're physically.
236
00:14:11,949.58842605 --> 00:14:13,659.58842605
Making yourself do something.
237
00:14:14,829.58842605 --> 00:14:16,929.58842605
The mental component is so much.
238
00:14:17,799.58842605 --> 00:14:18,759.58842605
Stronger.
239
00:14:20,109.58842605 --> 00:14:24,279.58842605
The monkey mind of like, Running in circles.
240
00:14:24,279.58842605 --> 00:14:27,939.58842605
I could still be happening, even if you're like, no, I will sit my ass.
241
00:14:28,629.58842605 --> 00:14:30,849.58842605
On this couch and watched them play.
242
00:14:31,389.58842605 --> 00:14:33,339.58842605
And P in my life.
243
00:14:35,572.55894759 --> 00:14:36,862.55894759
So going back to a.
244
00:14:38,452.55894759 --> 00:14:40,162.55894759
I was saying before.
245
00:14:41,932.55894759 --> 00:14:42,892.55894759
Um, so much.
246
00:14:43,732.55894759 --> 00:14:45,322.55894759
More fascinated with.
247
00:14:46,612.55894759 --> 00:14:48,82.55894759
Everything around.
248
00:14:49,912.55894759 --> 00:14:50,782.55894759
The thing.
249
00:14:51,262.55894759 --> 00:14:54,952.55894759
Like, like if it's the picture or the piece of art, like.
250
00:14:55,672.55894759 --> 00:15:01,222.55894759
How can I love something so much? As like a single piece of art.
251
00:15:01,972.55894759 --> 00:15:03,532.55894759
I could like bring me to tears.
252
00:15:03,562.55894759 --> 00:15:08,512.55894759
That's like, What I feel is like the most profound thing you can make.
253
00:15:10,912.55894759 --> 00:15:18,832.55894759
In honor and acknowledgement and recognition of something you witnessed and experienced and our processing and our thinking and our feeling.
254
00:15:18,832.55894759 --> 00:15:18,982.55894759
And.
255
00:15:19,942.55894759 --> 00:15:20,512.55894759
And yet.
256
00:15:22,822.55894759 --> 00:15:24,832.55894759
I think the thing itself is.
257
00:15:27,42.55894759 --> 00:15:28,842.55894759
So it can be so reductive.
258
00:15:29,142.55894759 --> 00:15:32,922.55894759
Like, it's not anything compared to.
259
00:15:34,422.55894759 --> 00:15:36,162.55894759
Everything that went into.
260
00:15:36,972.55894759 --> 00:15:42,222.55894759
It's creation everything that its creation causes afterwards.
261
00:15:47,832.55894759 --> 00:15:50,262.55894759
It's like I constantly come back.
262
00:15:51,312.55894759 --> 00:15:53,592.55894759
To the nothingness.
263
00:15:54,552.55894759 --> 00:15:55,992.55894759
That I've feared.
264
00:15:56,502.55894759 --> 00:15:57,462.55894759
For, so.
265
00:15:58,32.55894759 --> 00:16:03,462.55894759
Long in my life ever since I was able to conceptually.
266
00:16:04,332.55894759 --> 00:16:05,352.55894759
Got cognitively.
267
00:16:05,382.55894759 --> 00:16:14,362.55894759
I mean, like under process or understand, I don't even think, I, I don't understand, but like when my brain been on to that, like a dog with a bone, Oh, my gosh.
268
00:16:14,842.55894759 --> 00:16:16,342.55894759
One day, nothing.
269
00:16:16,702.55894759 --> 00:16:18,532.55894759
We'll exist one day.
270
00:16:19,732.55894759 --> 00:16:20,212.55894759
Death.
271
00:16:20,572.55894759 --> 00:16:21,442.55894759
One day.
272
00:16:22,102.55894759 --> 00:16:23,452.55894759
Just nothing.
273
00:16:23,482.55894759 --> 00:16:25,282.55894759
Nothing, nothing matters.
274
00:16:30,712.55894759 --> 00:16:32,62.55894759
And furiously.
275
00:16:32,962.55894759 --> 00:16:34,342.55894759
Wanting to combat that.
276
00:16:36,262.55894759 --> 00:16:40,822.5589476
And then, you know, Making it, my life.
277
00:16:42,442.5589476 --> 00:16:43,852.5589476
To contend with.
278
00:16:44,752.5589476 --> 00:16:51,52.5589476
The nothingness and finding everything in the nothingness in every way possible.
279
00:16:52,12.5589476 --> 00:16:53,152.5589476
And yet.
280
00:16:54,652.5589476 --> 00:16:58,522.5589476
And yeah, I am still.
281
00:16:59,92.5589476 --> 00:17:01,552.5589476
So fucked up.
282
00:17:06,412.5589476 --> 00:17:07,522.5589476
Oh, my gosh.
283
00:17:08,2.5589476 --> 00:17:11,872.5589476
Still like, so fucking perplex.
284
00:17:12,22.5589476 --> 00:17:18,562.5589476
It's like, Have I had the same conversation with myself in four cotillion, different ways.
285
00:17:20,842.5589476 --> 00:17:23,752.5589476
If you've listened to all these episodes, you might be like, yeah.
286
00:17:23,782.5589476 --> 00:17:26,572.5589476
As specifically, I've heard about a hundred of 'em.
287
00:17:26,692.5589476 --> 00:17:29,392.5589476
Um, A hundred episodes.
288
00:17:32,632.5589476 --> 00:17:34,342.5589476
What is this 1 0 1, 1 0 2.
289
00:17:36,622.5589476 --> 00:17:43,312.5589476
Um, Oh, This makes me think about something.
290
00:17:43,672.5589476 --> 00:17:48,52.5589476
Uh, So my absolute.
291
00:17:48,802.5589476 --> 00:17:49,882.5589476
Favorite.
292
00:17:52,12.5589476 --> 00:17:53,62.5589476
Photographer.
293
00:17:54,712.5589476 --> 00:17:59,902.5589476
I mean, I don't even it's if it feels like saying my favorite photographer, cheapen, this.
294
00:18:00,772.5589476 --> 00:18:02,722.5589476
I don't even, I have goosebumps just thinking.
295
00:18:03,862.5589476 --> 00:18:07,12.5589476
About how, what I feel and think about this person.
296
00:18:07,732.5589476 --> 00:18:10,132.5589476
Um, And I've never met him.
297
00:18:10,222.5589476 --> 00:18:13,612.5589476
Um, he's passed a bit ago.
298
00:18:14,2.5589476 --> 00:18:15,322.5589476
Uh, Larry Salton.
299
00:18:16,642.5589476 --> 00:18:17,392.5589476
He.
300
00:18:18,472.5589476 --> 00:18:18,652.5589476
I don't.
301
00:18:18,682.5589476 --> 00:18:23,272.5589476
I find that so many people that I've talked about that I mentioned M two.
302
00:18:23,812.5589476 --> 00:18:25,582.5589476
Um, Don't know him.
303
00:18:26,122.5589476 --> 00:18:27,292.5589476
I don't, I don't know.
304
00:18:27,982.5589476 --> 00:18:30,142.5589476
I don't know why, or I don't, I don't know.
305
00:18:31,72.5589476 --> 00:18:33,52.5589476
Um, But.
306
00:18:34,252.5589476 --> 00:18:35,332.5589476
He.
307
00:18:36,382.5589476 --> 00:18:38,422.5589476
Has this.
308
00:18:38,992.5589476 --> 00:18:40,912.5589476
Way of.
309
00:18:41,442.5589476 --> 00:18:42,612.5589476
Being in.
310
00:18:43,302.5589476 --> 00:18:44,412.5589476
His life.
311
00:18:44,862.5589476 --> 00:18:47,142.5589476
And being in the world.
312
00:18:48,132.5589476 --> 00:18:50,352.5589476
That resulted in.
313
00:18:50,352.5589476 --> 00:18:51,252.5589476
Such.
314
00:18:51,942.5589476 --> 00:18:53,912.5589476
Beautiful pictures he did a.
315
00:18:53,912.5589476 --> 00:18:54,512.5589476
Project.
316
00:18:55,82.5589476 --> 00:18:56,342.5589476
On his parents.
317
00:18:56,432.5589476 --> 00:18:58,712.5589476
I mean, he always documented his parents.
318
00:18:59,322.5589476 --> 00:19:00,882.5589476
Pictures from home.
319
00:19:02,442.5589476 --> 00:19:04,662.5589476
Is is my favorite.
320
00:19:04,842.5589476 --> 00:19:06,882.5589476
Body of his work, but he also did.
321
00:19:07,542.5589476 --> 00:19:10,332.5589476
Amazing like work collaborations.
322
00:19:10,732.5589476 --> 00:19:17,582.5589476
with found photographs with people like Mike Mendell and, I don't even have the.
323
00:19:18,242.5589476 --> 00:19:20,882.5589476
I can't talk about him at five 30 in the morning, too.
324
00:19:20,882.5589476 --> 00:19:21,992.5589476
Exhausted by it.
325
00:19:23,912.5589476 --> 00:19:25,202.5589476
But he.
326
00:19:26,762.5589476 --> 00:19:29,222.5589476
Made it a point in his book to include.
327
00:19:30,692.5589476 --> 00:19:32,792.5589476
Such powerful text.
328
00:19:33,302.5589476 --> 00:19:34,352.5589476
That included.
329
00:19:35,12.5589476 --> 00:19:37,472.5589476
Words and perspectives from his parents.
330
00:19:38,12.5589476 --> 00:19:42,992.5589476
And, um, And he didn't adhere to.
331
00:19:43,832.5589476 --> 00:19:45,242.5589476
Uh, type of.
332
00:19:45,842.5589476 --> 00:19:48,152.5589476
Process a type of photography.
333
00:19:48,242.5589476 --> 00:19:48,782.5589476
He.
334
00:19:50,372.5589476 --> 00:19:59,552.5589476
He, I mean, like obviously using found photographs, uh, you know, Using film using his words.
335
00:19:59,822.5589476 --> 00:20:03,362.5589476
Using, um, pictures of objects to communicate.
336
00:20:03,572.5589476 --> 00:20:07,262.5589476
Uh, and comment on whatever he was looking at.
337
00:20:08,582.5589476 --> 00:20:14,162.5589476
But bringing his parents into the conversation and also.
338
00:20:16,262.5589476 --> 00:20:20,702.5589476
Being open to staging photographs because.
339
00:20:23,72.5589476 --> 00:20:24,572.5589476
Finding the moment in it.
340
00:20:25,802.5589476 --> 00:20:27,332.5589476
Documentary sense.
341
00:20:28,52.5589476 --> 00:20:28,562.5589476
Wasn't.
342
00:20:29,282.5589476 --> 00:20:29,942.5589476
Enough.
343
00:20:30,242.5589476 --> 00:20:35,642.5589476
Uh, at for some things that there were portraits that he had in his brain that he wanted to make.
344
00:20:35,642.5589476 --> 00:20:39,122.5589476
There were, there were symbols representations.
345
00:20:39,572.5589476 --> 00:20:44,732.5589476
That he was playing with and he wasn't going to be confined by.
346
00:20:45,782.5589476 --> 00:20:48,2.5589476
You know, Documentary.
347
00:20:48,722.5589476 --> 00:20:49,862.5589476
Photojournalism.
348
00:20:50,342.5589476 --> 00:20:56,492.5589476
Versus like, there's a very specific picture I want to make and yeah, I'm staging it.
349
00:20:57,392.5589476 --> 00:21:08,222.5589476
What does that mean? What does that have to mean? Um, There's this.
350
00:21:09,572.5589476 --> 00:21:11,342.5589476
Blurb about blurb.
351
00:21:12,212.5589476 --> 00:21:19,352.5589476
There's this paragraph about how there's this one night or afternoon or something like that, that he went news.
352
00:21:20,702.5589476 --> 00:21:26,432.5589476
His parents were him and his mom was taking a nap and her foot was like sticking out from the blanket.
353
00:21:26,432.5589476 --> 00:21:28,232.5589476
And it was like the underside of her foot.
354
00:21:28,982.5589476 --> 00:21:30,602.5589476
Or something to that effect.
355
00:21:30,602.5589476 --> 00:21:39,362.5589476
And he was like, I never saw the underside of her foot before in that way, or I never looked at it or I never, you know, It just.
356
00:21:40,472.5589476 --> 00:21:41,792.5589476
Shook him and.
357
00:21:42,572.5589476 --> 00:21:44,102.5589476
And he had this thought around.
358
00:21:46,82.5589476 --> 00:21:47,162.5589476
Just never want.
359
00:21:48,122.5589476 --> 00:21:49,862.5589476
My parents to go.
360
00:21:49,952.5589476 --> 00:21:51,392.5589476
I want them to live forever.
361
00:21:52,52.5589476 --> 00:21:54,2.5589476
And it's like these trigger points.
362
00:21:54,722.5589476 --> 00:21:55,622.5589476
That happen.
363
00:21:57,782.5589476 --> 00:21:58,682.5589476
That you.
364
00:22:01,82.5589476 --> 00:22:03,542.5589476
When you allow yourself to linger with them.
365
00:22:05,672.5589476 --> 00:22:07,712.5589476
They give you so much more.
366
00:22:07,712.5589476 --> 00:22:08,942.5589476
They give you so much.
367
00:22:10,112.5589476 --> 00:22:11,792.5589476
Grounding, they give you so much.
368
00:22:12,512.5589476 --> 00:22:18,362.5589476
Um, So many like internal messages about.
369
00:22:20,12.5589476 --> 00:22:24,782.5589476
How you want to be living your life and what is important to you and.
370
00:22:26,12.5589476 --> 00:22:28,592.5589476
Yada, yada, yada, I can't even, I, sorry.
371
00:22:29,102.5589476 --> 00:22:30,452.5589476
Let me drink my coffee.
372
00:22:33,692.5589476 --> 00:22:34,682.5589476
Getting tired again.
373
00:22:35,372.5589476 --> 00:22:36,272.5589476
This'll be great.
374
00:22:36,362.5589476 --> 00:22:37,442.5589476
It's 5 38.
375
00:22:37,742.5589476 --> 00:22:43,352.5589476
I'm ready to go to bed and my kids are going to be up any second.
376
00:22:44,162.5589476 --> 00:22:47,102.5589476
Um, Anyway with him.
377
00:22:48,332.5589476 --> 00:22:56,792.5589476
I have traveled for his, like, I've gotten on planes to go to his shows and, you know, The LACMA and.
378
00:22:57,722.5589476 --> 00:23:01,322.5589476
Um, I remember here he was the first.
379
00:23:01,922.5589476 --> 00:23:02,972.5589476
Big purchase.
380
00:23:02,972.5589476 --> 00:23:05,642.5589476
Quote-unquote big I'd ever made.
381
00:23:05,922.5589476 --> 00:23:10,92.5589476
When I was younger, like I remember I spent like $500 on.
382
00:23:10,722.5589476 --> 00:23:12,222.5589476
A book that was signed by him.
383
00:23:12,582.5589476 --> 00:23:18,262.5589476
On eBay and it was four bill love Larry or something? I'm like, Bill.
384
00:23:18,262.5589476 --> 00:23:22,702.5589476
What the fuck? How can you spell? And I remember the.
385
00:23:23,482.5589476 --> 00:23:28,912.5589476
You know, the perfect, like shrink, wrapped version of that book with available for much less.
386
00:23:29,692.5589476 --> 00:23:34,552.5589476
And I was like, I have to have the thing that he touched and I don't get like that.
387
00:23:34,552.5589476 --> 00:23:35,332.5589476
Like I'm not.
388
00:23:37,792.5589476 --> 00:23:39,232.5589476
And there's so few.
389
00:23:40,492.5589476 --> 00:23:43,702.5589476
Things that I care about in that way, like in a.
390
00:23:44,32.5589476 --> 00:23:44,602.5589476
I don't know.
391
00:23:44,662.5589476 --> 00:23:50,902.5589476
How would you say it like a celebrity way or in a like glorified way, but I just feel so connected to him.
392
00:23:50,902.5589476 --> 00:23:52,852.5589476
And maybe that sounds creepy anyway.
393
00:23:53,362.5589476 --> 00:23:56,572.5589476
Um, But it's like with him.
394
00:23:57,232.5589476 --> 00:24:01,252.5589476
I'm so devastated that there's no more work to be made.
395
00:24:02,212.5589476 --> 00:24:03,112.5589476
From him.
396
00:24:04,402.5589476 --> 00:24:05,662.5589476
Like live.
397
00:24:06,772.5589476 --> 00:24:07,522.5589476
And.,
398
00:24:08,452.5589476 --> 00:24:09,922.5589476
I ache for that.
399
00:24:10,12.5589476 --> 00:24:11,152.5589476
And I also.
400
00:24:12,412.5589476 --> 00:24:13,402.5589476
Avoid.
401
00:24:14,182.5589476 --> 00:24:15,442.5589476
Pursuing.
402
00:24:15,442.5589476 --> 00:24:16,342.5589476
Learning more.
403
00:24:16,762.5589476 --> 00:24:17,302.5589476
About him.
404
00:24:17,512.5589476 --> 00:24:21,622.5589476
I have this book about him, like literally about his lightweight.
405
00:24:21,862.5589476 --> 00:24:23,332.5589476
I think it's just called blurry Sultan.
406
00:24:24,232.5589476 --> 00:24:25,852.5589476
Uh, biography or whatever it is.
407
00:24:26,332.5589476 --> 00:24:27,22.5589476
I haven't read it.
408
00:24:28,372.5589476 --> 00:24:29,572.5589476
Do you have any books? I've read.
409
00:24:31,162.5589476 --> 00:24:32,272.5589476
This is my favorite for.
410
00:24:32,572.5589476 --> 00:24:34,702.5589476
It's like, I feel like I can't bear it.
411
00:24:34,702.5589476 --> 00:24:35,692.5589476
I don't, I don't.
412
00:24:37,132.5589476 --> 00:24:37,612.5589476
What.
413
00:24:39,232.5589476 --> 00:24:40,312.5589476
It's insane.
414
00:24:41,512.5589476 --> 00:24:44,62.5589476
I've never from cover to cover.
415
00:24:45,22.5589476 --> 00:24:46,102.5589476
Read that book of his.
416
00:24:48,652.5589476 --> 00:24:49,492.5589476
In one go.
417
00:24:49,942.5589476 --> 00:24:50,662.5589476
I just can't.
418
00:24:51,742.5589476 --> 00:24:53,872.5589476
It's like, I, I always have to close it.
419
00:24:54,502.5589476 --> 00:24:57,322.5589476
Or go to a random spot in the book.
420
00:24:57,682.5589476 --> 00:24:59,842.5589476
Spend some time and then put it away, I guess.
421
00:24:59,902.5589476 --> 00:25:00,982.5589476
I just cannot.
422
00:25:02,152.5589476 --> 00:25:04,372.5589476
Take it in, in one sitting.
423
00:25:04,402.5589476 --> 00:25:07,822.5589476
I don't even want to, I feel like.
424
00:25:08,382.5589476 --> 00:25:08,862.5589476
I don't know.
425
00:25:09,642.5589476 --> 00:25:12,762.5589476
Uh, it, it feels like the same common thread.
426
00:25:13,512.5589476 --> 00:25:15,222.5589476
With everything else I'm talking about.
427
00:25:18,282.5589476 --> 00:25:22,512.5589476
It's like, maybe that like once I, I do it's done, like I can't.
428
00:25:23,232.5589476 --> 00:25:25,452.5589476
Have that experience again, because there's no more.
429
00:25:25,632.5589476 --> 00:25:27,642.5589476
Stuff to be made or like add.
430
00:25:28,552.5589476 --> 00:25:28,972.5589476
I don't know.
431
00:25:31,282.5589476 --> 00:25:34,552.5589476
I have just always found that the things that I.
432
00:25:36,332.5589476 --> 00:25:40,172.5589476
Love the most, like really hurt me.
433
00:25:41,182.5589476 --> 00:25:42,652.5589476
And I don't mean like in a.
434
00:25:43,642.5589476 --> 00:25:47,392.5589476
You know, scorn me or, you know, I mean, it just.
435
00:25:49,102.5589476 --> 00:25:50,242.5589476
Feels unbearable.
436
00:25:51,722.5589476 --> 00:25:54,242.5589476
And that's why I make pictures.
437
00:25:56,642.5589476 --> 00:25:59,282.5589476
And also the pictures don't satisfy me.
438
00:26:02,792.5589476 --> 00:26:04,222.5589476
It's insatiable.
439
00:26:07,892.5589476 --> 00:26:10,712.5589476
The practice itself is the point.
440
00:26:13,412.5589476 --> 00:26:19,812.5589476
So whenever I have the picture,, I love it so deeply and I'm most like, and that's not the point.
441
00:26:21,852.5589476 --> 00:26:22,662.5589476
And then.
442
00:26:24,152.5589476 --> 00:26:27,872.5589476
I think that what drives me wild is that.
443
00:26:29,132.5589476 --> 00:26:30,872.5589476
If I know that's not the point.
444
00:26:32,642.5589476 --> 00:26:34,622.5589476
And I feel that's not the point.
445
00:26:37,292.5589476 --> 00:26:45,362.5589476
And I know that everything before and the process and the experience and the witnessing and all of that is the point.
446
00:26:48,872.5589476 --> 00:26:54,572.5589476
The, why do I keep taking myself out of that to make the pictures.
447
00:26:58,172.5589476 --> 00:27:00,92.5589476
And to be with the pictures.
448
00:27:06,202.5589476 --> 00:27:11,722.5589476
Do you know, Do you.
449
00:27:12,922.5589476 --> 00:27:20,662.5589476
Do you have an answer? Do you have you mold over this? Do you relate to this? Do you.
450
00:27:21,822.5589476 --> 00:27:22,332.5589476
I don't know.
451
00:27:24,72.5589476 --> 00:27:28,902.5589476
My relationship with picture making and creating and processing.
452
00:27:29,472.5589476 --> 00:27:30,492.5589476
Feels.
453
00:27:32,382.5589476 --> 00:27:34,32.5589476
Like home to me.
454
00:27:34,32.5589476 --> 00:27:35,472.5589476
And it is my way of.
455
00:27:36,472.5589476 --> 00:27:38,632.5589476
Digesting consuming.
456
00:27:39,262.5589476 --> 00:27:39,952.5589476
My life.
457
00:27:42,322.5589476 --> 00:27:43,582.5589476
Eating my life.
458
00:27:44,2.5589476 --> 00:27:44,692.5589476
And.
459
00:27:45,692.5589476 --> 00:27:49,262.5589476
The ferociousness, the restlessness just makes me.
460
00:27:50,822.5589476 --> 00:27:51,572.5589476
Question.
461
00:27:54,542.5589476 --> 00:28:03,22.5589476
Like what is going on here? When I look at a photo, I make a.
462
00:28:04,672.5589476 --> 00:28:06,292.5589476
I think to myself.
463
00:28:08,362.5589476 --> 00:28:09,82.5589476
This.
464
00:28:10,702.5589476 --> 00:28:13,732.5589476
Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.
465
00:28:13,762.5589476 --> 00:28:15,412.5589476
This is the thing I can't name.
466
00:28:15,862.5589476 --> 00:28:16,822.5589476
The here it is.
467
00:28:17,362.5589476 --> 00:28:17,992.5589476
It's right here.
468
00:28:18,742.5589476 --> 00:28:20,422.5589476
And it's over here and I've made it.
469
00:28:21,262.5589476 --> 00:28:22,612.5589476
Thousands of times.
470
00:28:23,242.5589476 --> 00:28:24,292.5589476
I've I've seen it.
471
00:28:24,322.5589476 --> 00:28:24,982.5589476
I can touch it.
472
00:28:25,612.5589476 --> 00:28:26,572.5589476
Outside of me.
473
00:28:34,252.5589476 --> 00:28:36,772.5589476
This thing that I can't get at.
474
00:28:37,372.5589476 --> 00:28:38,572.5589476
I get at it.
475
00:28:39,892.5589476 --> 00:28:40,882.5589476
In a million.
476
00:28:41,302.5589476 --> 00:28:45,82.5589476
Different ways in a million different times, I've taken a picture.
477
00:28:45,442.5589476 --> 00:28:51,682.5589476
And then I look at it and I'm like, This, this, this, this, this.
478
00:28:56,32.5589476 --> 00:28:59,182.5589476
But there's no finality in it and there's no.
479
00:29:00,772.5589476 --> 00:29:03,652.5589476
I don't know, it just seems to be just as mysterious to me.
480
00:29:04,432.5589476 --> 00:29:08,92.5589476
Just as mysterious as E even though I'm looking at it.
481
00:29:09,532.5589476 --> 00:29:17,512.5589476
In a million different ways through a million different people, through a million different scenarios, whether it's my personal work or my client work.
482
00:29:17,752.5589476 --> 00:29:19,312.5589476
Or whatever it is.
483
00:29:19,882.5589476 --> 00:29:27,2.5589476
With my real quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.
484
00:29:27,2.5589476 --> 00:29:28,22.5589476
My whole life is about.
485
00:29:28,862.5589476 --> 00:29:33,32.5589476
A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.
486
00:29:35,342.5589476 --> 00:29:39,272.5589476
And in the combination that have some words with a photo, like.
487
00:29:39,962.5589476 --> 00:29:41,42.5589476
I've encountered it.
488
00:29:41,612.5589476 --> 00:29:42,542.5589476
So much.
489
00:29:44,732.5589476 --> 00:29:45,992.5589476
Regularly, I'd say.
490
00:29:46,652.5589476 --> 00:29:47,342.5589476
And yet.
491
00:29:50,852.5589476 --> 00:29:51,482.5589476
Unrest.
492
00:29:55,562.5589476 --> 00:30:07,342.5589476
What is that? I think the greatest piece that I find in this.
493
00:30:08,542.5589476 --> 00:30:09,352.5589476
Kerfuffle.
494
00:30:12,862.5589476 --> 00:30:14,692.5589476
What a strange word to call it.
495
00:30:15,292.5589476 --> 00:30:16,792.5589476
Uh, is.
496
00:30:17,752.5589476 --> 00:30:19,462.5589476
The greatest piece I find.
497
00:30:20,692.5589476 --> 00:30:21,802.5589476
From this.
498
00:30:22,402.5589476 --> 00:30:24,142.5589476
Is that I know.
499
00:30:26,812.5589476 --> 00:30:32,572.5589476
That I am locked in with what I know to be.
500
00:30:33,322.5589476 --> 00:30:35,62.5589476
The most important.
501
00:30:36,652.5589476 --> 00:30:37,132.5589476
Dance.
502
00:30:37,132.5589476 --> 00:30:50,602.5589476
I could be dancing for myself, right? Dancing with a question and having questions is so much more important than to having an answer, but we're human and.
503
00:30:51,442.5589476 --> 00:30:53,782.5589476
That doesn't stop me from wanting.
504
00:30:55,12.5589476 --> 00:30:57,622.5589476
An answer or something that quells.
505
00:30:58,792.5589476 --> 00:30:59,422.5589476
MI.
506
00:30:59,782.5589476 --> 00:31:01,282.5589476
You know, like it gives me.
507
00:31:01,972.5589476 --> 00:31:03,172.5589476
Peace and stillness.
508
00:31:03,352.5589476 --> 00:31:03,772.5589476
but.
509
00:31:06,452.5589476 --> 00:31:08,732.5589476
The practice itself is the point.
510
00:31:08,762.5589476 --> 00:31:13,532.5589476
Well, I got the point down, pat, let me tell you I'm in this practice.
511
00:31:15,122.5589476 --> 00:31:16,532.5589476
But I still feel like.
512
00:31:17,312.5589476 --> 00:31:19,892.5589476
Maybe one day, maybe one picture.
513
00:31:21,212.5589476 --> 00:31:24,302.5589476
Well, Tell me the thing.
514
00:31:24,842.5589476 --> 00:31:27,272.5589476
I don't know what the thing is, but it'll tell me maybe.
515
00:31:32,62.5589476 --> 00:31:32,482.5589476
Oh boy.
516
00:31:33,282.5589476 --> 00:31:33,942.5589476
It's kind of like.
517
00:31:37,662.5589476 --> 00:31:38,982.5589476
I remember when.
518
00:31:39,612.5589476 --> 00:31:41,442.5589476
Well, I mean, commercials are still a thing.
519
00:31:41,802.5589476 --> 00:31:43,332.5589476
You don't pay to remove your heads.
520
00:31:43,642.5589476 --> 00:31:44,962.5589476
But growing up.
521
00:31:45,382.5589476 --> 00:31:46,372.5589476
Anytime there's a commercial.
522
00:31:46,372.5589476 --> 00:31:48,232.5589476
I'd like go out to the fridge.
523
00:31:49,102.5589476 --> 00:31:50,32.5589476
Uh, CNN.
524
00:31:50,542.5589476 --> 00:31:51,322.5589476
There's nothing in here.
525
00:31:51,322.5589476 --> 00:31:51,892.5589476
I want.
526
00:31:53,62.5589476 --> 00:31:54,532.5589476
Go back inside your bedroom.
527
00:31:55,402.5589476 --> 00:31:57,202.5589476
And the next commercial go back and check.
528
00:31:57,232.5589476 --> 00:32:00,922.5589476
See if anything new has appeared within the last 12 minutes.
529
00:32:04,432.5589476 --> 00:32:08,242.5589476
Maybe I missed something, maybe something new will pop up to me.
530
00:32:08,242.5589476 --> 00:32:11,782.5589476
Maybe I'll realize that I actually do want this or.
531
00:32:12,472.5589476 --> 00:32:13,132.5589476
Blah, blah, blah.
532
00:32:18,202.5589476 --> 00:32:18,652.5589476
Okay.
533
00:32:20,52.5589476 --> 00:32:23,562.5589476
I hope that.
534
00:32:24,852.5589476 --> 00:32:26,832.5589476
You have a beautiful day.
535
00:32:28,662.5589476 --> 00:32:30,342.5589476
Keep me in your thoughts.
536
00:32:31,422.5589476 --> 00:32:32,472.5589476
As I wrap this.
537
00:32:33,612.5589476 --> 00:32:37,302.5589476
This recording at 5:52 AM.
538
00:32:38,232.5589476 --> 00:32:41,442.5589476
And anticipate hearing little footsteps.
539
00:32:41,892.5589476 --> 00:32:42,822.5589476
At any moment.
540
00:32:44,412.5589476 --> 00:32:46,722.5589476
I've been up since three, already.
541
00:32:49,942.5589476 --> 00:32:50,122.5589476
Yeah.
542
00:32:52,792.5589476 --> 00:32:57,862.5589476
I just hope that, you know, Whatever.
543
00:32:59,2.5589476 --> 00:33:02,62.5589476
Whatever your version of this is whatever.
544
00:33:03,232.5589476 --> 00:33:06,112.5589476
Lifelong question, whatever.
545
00:33:08,362.5589476 --> 00:33:09,832.5589476
Whatever this is for you.,
546
00:33:12,682.5589476 --> 00:33:14,362.5589476
Purity of intent.
547
00:33:17,182.5589476 --> 00:33:19,192.5589476
That lives inside Of you.
548
00:33:19,942.5589476 --> 00:33:21,382.5589476
Through your making.
549
00:33:22,462.5589476 --> 00:33:25,762.5589476
Through you're creating in whatever version that is.
550
00:33:26,752.5589476 --> 00:33:33,232.5589476
Through your photography, your painting, your writing, your conscious parenting, your home, making your, whatever it is.
551
00:33:33,982.5589476 --> 00:33:35,2.5589476
You're singing.
552
00:33:35,452.5589476 --> 00:33:36,382.5589476
Whatever it is.
553
00:33:38,912.5589476 --> 00:33:39,722.5589476
That is.
554
00:33:41,102.5589476 --> 00:33:41,852.5589476
That is it.
555
00:33:43,262.5589476 --> 00:33:45,32.5589476
Anything else is just bonus.
556
00:33:47,852.5589476 --> 00:33:48,362.5589476
And any.
557
00:33:49,982.5589476 --> 00:33:54,212.5589476
Fucked up part is I feel like any quote-unquote answer we can feel like we find.
558
00:33:54,902.5589476 --> 00:33:57,32.5589476
It's probably transient anyway.
559
00:33:57,602.5589476 --> 00:34:00,632.5589476
Depending on what version of self has discovered it.
560
00:34:00,632.5589476 --> 00:34:01,532.5589476
So.
561
00:34:02,342.5589476 --> 00:34:07,772.5589476
Basically all the last, however many minutes of your life is moot point because.
562
00:34:13,682.5589476 --> 00:34:14,492.5589476
Because.
563
00:34:15,752.5589476 --> 00:34:16,472.5589476
Even.
564
00:34:17,222.5589476 --> 00:34:22,892.5589476
If you find an answer that feels satisfactory to you, that feels like an it judgment scratched.
565
00:34:25,412.5589476 --> 00:34:25,922.5589476
And you went.
566
00:34:27,32.5589476 --> 00:34:27,692.5589476
Welcome.
567
00:34:28,232.5589476 --> 00:34:29,372.5589476
I knew which will come.
568
00:34:31,442.5589476 --> 00:34:32,162.5589476
Okay.
569
00:34:34,112.5589476 --> 00:34:37,712.5589476
I am going to finish my lukewarm coffee, maybe.
570
00:34:37,982.5589476 --> 00:34:40,172.5589476
Fill her up, warm it up.
571
00:34:40,922.5589476 --> 00:34:43,382.5589476
And I will see you.
572
00:34:43,742.5589476 --> 00:34:44,852.5589476
Next week.
573
00:34:45,902.5589476 --> 00:34:47,222.5589476
Have a beautiful week.
574
00:34:48,482.5589476 --> 00:34:50,72.5589476
Thank you for being here.
575
00:34:50,102.5589476 --> 00:34:51,272.5589476
Thank you for listening.
576
00:34:53,70.3820768 --> 00:34:56,290.3820768
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:01,750
Do you ever feel like.
2
00:00:02,620 --> 00:00:03,910
There's just something.
3
00:00:03,910 --> 00:00:05,350
You don't even know what it is.
4
00:00:05,950 --> 00:00:10,060
You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.
5
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:13,540
When I look at a photo, I make I think to myself.
6
00:00:14,610 --> 00:00:15,330
This.
7
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,980
Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.
8
00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:21,660
This is the thing I can't name.
9
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,070
The here it is.
10
00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:24,240
It's right here.
11
00:00:24,990 --> 00:00:26,670
And it's over here and I've made it.
12
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:28,860
Thousands of times.
13
00:00:29,490 --> 00:00:30,540
I've I've seen it.
14
00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:31,230
I can touch it.
15
00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:32,820
Outside of me.
16
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,420
This thing that I can't get at.
17
00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:38,220
I get at it.
18
00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:39,210
In a million.
19
00:00:39,630 --> 00:00:43,740
Different ways This, this, this, this, this.
20
00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:49,060
Just as mysterious even though I'm looking at it.
21
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,660
Whether it's my personal work or my client work.
22
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:59,670.000000001
With my quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.
23
00:00:59,670.000000001 --> 00:01:00,690.000000001
My whole life is about.
24
00:01:01,530.000000001 --> 00:01:05,700.000000001
A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.
25
00:01:05,750.000000001 --> 00:01:06,830.000000001
I've encountered it.
26
00:01:07,350.000000001 --> 00:01:08,610.000000001
Regularly, I'd say.
27
00:01:09,270.000000001 --> 00:01:09,960.000000001
And yet.
28
00:01:11,870.000000001 --> 00:01:12,500.000000001
Unrest.
29
00:01:14,580.000000001 --> 00:01:20,496.255092717
What is that? Help Me See is a podcast dedicated to the art of seeing.
30
00:01:21,136.255092717 --> 00:01:27,826.255092717
It's a space for the restless visionary with an insatiable desire to create the life and work you're meant for.
31
00:01:28,801.255092717 --> 00:01:37,921.255092717
My name is Bianca Lea Mora, and I'm a photographic artist, a mother, and a coach who's transformed my fear of loss into power, art, and philosophy.
32
00:01:38,191.255092717 --> 00:01:51,351.25509272
One of the scariest quotes I never want to say is, I wish I knew at the time, but I truly believe that we have the innate ability to bring our wise 2020 hindsight to our now.
33
00:01:52,251.25509272 --> 00:01:59,491.25409272
You can deeply experience your nostalgia now, while it's actually happening, with no regrets.
34
00:02:00,591.25509272 --> 00:02:01,921.25509272
All you have to do is see.
35
00:02:03,21.25509272 --> 00:02:18,871.25509272
In this show, we laugh, we cry, we get inspired, we overshare, we have life changing conversations around making meaning, self discovery, and shedding all the BS layers in order to reconnect to our own sacred vision.
36
00:02:19,681.25509272 --> 00:02:23,341.25509272
Seeing yourself is an essential key to living powerfully.
37
00:02:23,751.25509272 --> 00:02:28,561.25509272
You are the vessel, the lens that filters absolutely everything in your life.
38
00:02:29,521.25409272 --> 00:02:51,76.25509272
What are you filtering for? Whether it be conversations with fellow artists and visionaries, or my solo audio journal style introspective ramblings, each episode is meant to feel like an exhale, an unraveling of truth, a moment for you to be able to put your finger on something that you haven't been able to for far too long.
39
00:02:52,636.25409272 --> 00:02:54,706.25409272
Come exactly as you are.
40
00:02:54,996.25409272 --> 00:02:55,856.25409272
It's perfect.
41
00:02:56,566.25409272 --> 00:02:58,86.25409272
Honor your instincts.
42
00:02:58,146.25409272 --> 00:03:03,766.25409272
Let's uncover some of the most important things in our lives which all too often can slip out from our view.
43
00:03:05,91.25509272 --> 00:03:11,971.25509272
Let's commit to seeing and consciously creating what only you can in your one and only life.
44
00:03:13,111.25509272 --> 00:03:13,781.25509272
Let's dive in.
45
00:03:15,669.58842605 --> 00:03:16,599.58842605
Hello? Hello.
46
00:03:16,659.58842605 --> 00:03:19,149.58842605
And welcome to another episode of help me see.
47
00:03:20,199.58842605 --> 00:03:21,279.58842605
I am.
48
00:03:23,19.58842605 --> 00:03:25,719.58842605
Damn near whispering right now because it is.
49
00:03:27,9.58842605 --> 00:03:28,689.58842605
Five in the fucking morning.
50
00:03:32,559.58842605 --> 00:03:38,979.58842605
Um, I just got back last night around five.
51
00:03:39,459.58842605 --> 00:03:41,349.58842605
Um, From my trip.
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00:03:41,679.58842605 --> 00:03:43,389.58842605
I went to San Francisco.
53
00:03:43,389.58842605 --> 00:03:43,869.58842605
I went to.
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00:03:44,469.58842605 --> 00:03:46,629.58842605
Nashville for a conference and.
55
00:03:47,859.58842605 --> 00:03:50,379.58842605
And then we did a road trip back.
56
00:03:51,459.58842605 --> 00:03:52,569.58842605
To Ohio.
57
00:03:52,719.58842605 --> 00:04:00,69.58842605
And I woke up at 3:00 AM with my eyes just being, and I just laid there.
58
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For.
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00:04:03,219.58842605 --> 00:04:04,299.58842605
An hour and a half.
60
00:04:06,579.58842605 --> 00:04:08,199.58842605
And I was like, okay.
61
00:04:09,429.58842605 --> 00:04:10,389.58842605
This isn't happening.
62
00:04:12,889.58842605 --> 00:04:17,659.58842605
And it really annoyed me that I couldn't fall back asleep because.
63
00:04:18,499.58842605 --> 00:04:22,99.58842605
I just felt so much gratitude because I was laying there.
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Sandwiched between my 95 pound dog.
65
00:04:27,79.58842605 --> 00:04:28,939.58842605
And my three-year-old.
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00:04:29,329.58842605 --> 00:04:31,429.58842605
like both of them right up against me.
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00:04:31,429.58842605 --> 00:04:34,99.58842605
And I was like, oh my gosh, this is just the sweetest.
68
00:04:34,999.58842605 --> 00:04:37,789.58842605
Just one of those moments where you feel so grateful.
69
00:04:38,419.58842605 --> 00:04:39,79.58842605
And.
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00:04:44,479.58842605 --> 00:04:45,619.58842605
I once again.
71
00:04:47,779.58842605 --> 00:04:51,169.58842605
I was like, okay, Bianca, just relax.
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00:04:51,649.58842605 --> 00:04:53,89.58842605
There's nothing to do.
73
00:04:53,119.58842605 --> 00:04:54,439.58842605
Nowhere to be.
74
00:04:55,639.58842605 --> 00:04:58,9.58842605
Just sink into this and go back to sleep.
75
00:04:58,879.58842605 --> 00:05:06,229.58842605
Well, You see how that went because I'm here talking to you right now at five 16 in the morning.
76
00:05:10,459.58842605 --> 00:05:12,559.58842605
And then it reminded me on the plane.
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00:05:13,389.58842605 --> 00:05:15,429.58842605
I was reading and taking notes and.
78
00:05:16,809.58842605 --> 00:05:24,849.58842605
And, um, Most times when I take notes, furiously, like I can't for the fucking life of me read my own handwriting.
79
00:05:26,109.58842605 --> 00:05:26,619.58842605
And.
80
00:05:27,819.58842605 --> 00:05:32,529.58842605
I went and got my notebook and I turned to this page that I like faintly remembered.
81
00:05:34,389.58842605 --> 00:05:35,349.58842605
Where it was.
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00:05:35,799.58842605 --> 00:05:38,799.58842605
Because I also don't write in order in my notebook.
83
00:05:40,269.58842605 --> 00:05:47,529.58842605
And I mean, listen, sometime, do you start a thought? And you're like, mm, I'm not done with this, but I, I need to take a break from that.
84
00:05:47,709.58842605 --> 00:05:52,629.58842605
So I want to leave view pages so that I have space to go back to that and have that writing there.
85
00:05:52,929.58842605 --> 00:05:53,139.58842605
And then.
86
00:05:53,919.58842605 --> 00:05:54,399.58842605
Okay.
87
00:05:54,459.58842605 --> 00:05:55,149.58842605
There's a whole thing.
88
00:05:55,179.58842605 --> 00:05:56,709.58842605
I want to explain this to Ben.
89
00:05:56,709.58842605 --> 00:05:59,739.58842605
And he was like, There's something.
90
00:06:00,189.58842605 --> 00:06:01,209.58842605
Probably wrong.
91
00:06:05,349.58842605 --> 00:06:06,939.58842605
I'm like, whatever you don't understand.
92
00:06:07,539.58842605 --> 00:06:07,899.58842605
Anyway.
93
00:06:10,419.58842605 --> 00:06:11,19.58842605
I wrote.
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00:06:11,559.58842605 --> 00:06:13,209.58842605
With a little star by it.
95
00:06:13,839.58842605 --> 00:06:15,399.58842605
Do you ever feel like.
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00:06:16,419.58842605 --> 00:06:18,219.58842605
There's something inside of you.
97
00:06:19,179.58842605 --> 00:06:20,679.58842605
That no matter what.
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00:06:21,309.58842605 --> 00:06:22,599.58842605
You do.
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00:06:23,469.58842605 --> 00:06:25,929.58842605
You just cannot touch.
100
00:06:29,799.58842605 --> 00:06:31,149.58842605
Do you ever feel like.
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00:06:32,19.58842605 --> 00:06:33,309.58842605
There's just something.
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00:06:34,869.58842605 --> 00:06:36,369.58842605
And you don't know what it is.
103
00:06:37,389.58842605 --> 00:06:39,339.58842605
And you just cannot touch it.
104
00:06:40,449.58842605 --> 00:06:41,739.58842605
We keep just cannot.
105
00:06:42,879.58842605 --> 00:06:43,629.58842605
Get to it.
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00:06:43,869.58842605 --> 00:06:44,349.58842605
You don't.
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00:06:44,739.58842605 --> 00:06:46,329.58842605
You don't even know what you're looking for.
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00:06:46,359.58842605 --> 00:06:47,799.58842605
You don't even know what it is.
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00:06:48,399.58842605 --> 00:06:52,509.58842605
You're just like, there's just something there and I can't reach it.
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00:06:54,219.58842605 --> 00:06:54,729.58842605
I don't know.
111
00:06:55,269.58842605 --> 00:07:02,319.58842605
This is making me laugh because, um, uh, this past weekend, when I went to this conference, there was something that I.
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00:07:02,979.58842605 --> 00:07:03,849.58842605
I said enough.
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00:07:04,179.58842605 --> 00:07:06,219.58842605
Like, does anyone feel like.
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00:07:07,359.58842605 --> 00:07:09,369.58842605
It's literally.
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00:07:09,759.58842605 --> 00:07:10,659.58842605
Nothing.
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00:07:11,49.58842605 --> 00:07:11,649.58842605
Correct.
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00:07:16,539.58842605 --> 00:07:17,409.58842605
I mean, it was fine.
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00:07:17,409.58842605 --> 00:07:18,639.58842605
Everyone was so sweet.
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00:07:19,299.58842605 --> 00:07:21,129.58842605
But, yeah, there's just.
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00:07:21,939.58842605 --> 00:07:22,899.58842605
Absolute.
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00:07:23,229.58842605 --> 00:07:23,919.58842605
Crickets.
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00:07:23,949.58842605 --> 00:07:26,349.58842605
So as I'm saying this.
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00:07:27,39.58842605 --> 00:07:28,29.58842605
Right now.
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00:07:30,489.58842605 --> 00:07:36,9.58842605
You very well may be on the other side of those thinking or just being like, mm.
125
00:07:36,159.58842605 --> 00:07:37,359.58842605
It's just you, babe.
126
00:07:38,949.58842605 --> 00:07:39,669.58842605
But I don't know.
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00:07:39,669.58842605 --> 00:07:41,559.58842605
I kind of don't believe that either.
128
00:07:41,679.58842605 --> 00:07:42,159.58842605
I don't.
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00:07:43,59.58842605 --> 00:07:43,659.58842605
I just.
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00:07:45,579.58842605 --> 00:07:51,399.58842605
Sometimes, I think that there are these feelings that are unsayable that we have, and we.
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Can't explain it.
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And it's just a feeling, so, and we don't name it, but sometimes.
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We need other people's like really weird attempts to.
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Name it.
135
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In order to identify it in ourselves.
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00:08:06,789.58842605 --> 00:08:09,639.58842605
And I think that's a really, really, really big reason why.
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Thorough myself, fling myself out into the abyss.
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So often.
139
00:08:16,539.58842605 --> 00:08:17,859.58842605
Because I know.
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00:08:18,249.58842605 --> 00:08:21,129.58842605
That I need that so much.
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Whenever I encounter an artist, a writer at anyone, anyone, any person that says something.
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And I was like, oh my God.
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Yeah, that was it.
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00:08:32,199.58842605 --> 00:08:32,739.58842605
Oh my gosh.
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That yes.
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00:08:34,239.58842605 --> 00:08:34,959.58842605
Yes.
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I never isolated in that way.
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00:08:37,509.58842605 --> 00:08:38,49.58842605
I never.
149
00:08:38,859.58842605 --> 00:08:41,799.58842605
Was able to touch it like that before, but thank you.
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00:08:42,519.58842605 --> 00:08:51,309.58842605
Um, so in this case, I'm not actually identifying anything other than the fact that I can't identify whatever this.
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00:08:52,119.58842605 --> 00:08:54,669.58842605
Itch is that I can't scratch.
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00:08:54,879.58842605 --> 00:09:08,859.58842605
Um, Let me see, what else would I write? Uh, Um, Yeah.
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00:09:09,879.58842605 --> 00:09:12,639.58842605
So after I wrote that I'm like sitting there.
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Unsatisfied.
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00:09:15,309.58842605 --> 00:09:17,499.58842605
Like, I don't want to Geoff, I don't want to just.
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00:09:19,269.58842605 --> 00:09:19,809.58842605
Be like, yep.
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00:09:19,839.58842605 --> 00:09:21,819.58842605
There's that thing I was like, okay.
158
00:09:21,819.58842605 --> 00:09:23,529.58842605
But what is it? Let me try here.
159
00:09:27,309.58842605 --> 00:09:31,269.58842605
And then I wrote, it's like, when something really hits me.
160
00:09:32,559.58842605 --> 00:09:34,779.58842605
I almost can't even bear it.
161
00:09:35,409.58842605 --> 00:09:37,29.58842605
It's almost as if.
162
00:09:37,809.58842605 --> 00:09:39,369.58842605
It has to be.
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00:09:40,89.58842605 --> 00:09:41,559.58842605
One one.
164
00:09:42,9.58842605 --> 00:09:43,119.58842605
25th.
165
00:09:43,359.58842605 --> 00:09:45,279.58842605
I have a second of exposure.
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00:09:46,299.58842605 --> 00:09:47,709.58842605
Like on a camera.
167
00:09:48,339.58842605 --> 00:09:54,729.58842605
Because if it were any longer, I'd be afraid of what would become of me.
168
00:09:59,229.58842605 --> 00:10:02,799.58842605
Who is thinking about how, oh, it makes so much sense that.
169
00:10:05,439.58842605 --> 00:10:09,729.58842605
There are so many times where I'd rather just be with the pictures than in my life.
170
00:10:12,39.58842605 --> 00:10:14,49.58842605
I said there's like the stillness.
171
00:10:16,29.58842605 --> 00:10:16,749.58842605
That's there.
172
00:10:16,749.58842605 --> 00:10:18,189.58842605
There's a control.
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00:10:18,219.58842605 --> 00:10:19,89.58842605
That's there.
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00:10:19,119.58842605 --> 00:10:21,429.58842605
There's like a there spaciousness.
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00:10:23,559.58842605 --> 00:10:24,99.58842605
That's.
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00:10:24,729.58842605 --> 00:10:31,59.58842605
There when I have my photographs on my computer in front of me and I'm like touching them, you know, and editing and.
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00:10:31,839.58842605 --> 00:10:34,509.58842605
Looking in, you know, doing whatever I'm doing.
178
00:10:35,319.58842605 --> 00:10:36,369.58842605
And in.
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00:10:37,179.58842605 --> 00:10:38,169.58842605
Real life.
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00:10:38,199.58842605 --> 00:10:39,609.58842605
Like, I guess if we want to.
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00:10:40,419.58842605 --> 00:10:41,109.58842605
Like right.
182
00:10:41,649.58842605 --> 00:10:50,559.58842605
A couple hours ago and I'm laying in bed and, um, So grateful it's like, why did I leave bed? To come.
183
00:10:51,219.58842605 --> 00:10:53,739.58842605
And talk about it.
184
00:10:54,189.58842605 --> 00:10:54,609.58842605
I mean.
185
00:10:54,999.58842605 --> 00:11:03,459.58842605
Specifically think, oh, well let me go record a podcast episode, but I mean, that's what I'm doing right now, but I did think I just can't.
186
00:11:03,459.58842605 --> 00:11:10,959.58842605
I rest my brain, my brain, I'm so awake and I keep tossing and turning and they're literally both up against me.
187
00:11:10,959.58842605 --> 00:11:12,759.58842605
So I was like, I'm going to wake them up.
188
00:11:13,209.58842605 --> 00:11:14,559.58842605
With my restlessness.
189
00:11:17,399.58842605 --> 00:11:19,889.58842605
And that restlessness it's like.
190
00:11:21,299.58842605 --> 00:11:22,259.58842605
Such a.
191
00:11:24,29.58842605 --> 00:11:25,199.58842605
Part of me.
192
00:11:25,739.58842605 --> 00:11:29,789.58842605
I feel like my restlessness is like a main component of me.
193
00:11:30,329.58842605 --> 00:11:32,339.58842605
And I don't know how to feel about that.
194
00:11:32,579.58842605 --> 00:11:33,359.58842605
I don't know.
195
00:11:38,69.58842605 --> 00:11:39,359.58842605
Sometimes I think it's good.
196
00:11:39,359.58842605 --> 00:11:40,979.58842605
And sometimes I think it's bad.
197
00:11:42,509.58842605 --> 00:11:43,829.58842605
It's probably neither.
198
00:11:46,229.58842605 --> 00:11:47,249.58842605
It just is.
199
00:11:51,769.58842605 --> 00:11:52,579.58842605
I think that.
200
00:11:56,389.58842605 --> 00:11:58,969.58842605
That's definitely a huge part of.
201
00:12:01,849.58842605 --> 00:12:05,179.58842605
This thing I'm speaking to, it's like, I find that.
202
00:12:05,929.58842605 --> 00:12:12,859.58842605
And I wonder as like, You know, with makers, with creators, with people that are trying to.
203
00:12:14,209.58842605 --> 00:12:17,779.58842605
or not trying to the people that are visually creating.
204
00:12:18,619.58842605 --> 00:12:20,389.58842605
Things that are.
205
00:12:21,799.58842605 --> 00:12:23,929.58842605
Commentary reflections.
206
00:12:24,529.58842605 --> 00:12:30,409.58842605
Um, Representations of some of the most meaningful things in their lives.
207
00:12:33,529.58842605 --> 00:12:34,399.58842605
I can't help, but.
208
00:12:35,269.58842605 --> 00:12:41,149.58842605
Be more fascinated by everything that comes before it than the actual object.
209
00:12:42,359.58842605 --> 00:12:46,199.58842605
And that is such a parallel to my life experience.
210
00:12:46,199.58842605 --> 00:12:46,589.58842605
Right.
211
00:12:46,739.58842605 --> 00:12:51,989.58842605
I think about how my most cherished things in life that I love so much.
212
00:12:52,649.58842605 --> 00:12:55,649.58842605
I find myself not being able to get close enough.
213
00:12:55,859.58842605 --> 00:12:56,189.58842605
Like.
214
00:12:56,819.58842605 --> 00:13:02,619.58842605
Physically and in mentally and with my camera, like I love close.
215
00:13:02,639.58842605 --> 00:13:05,189.58842605
Uh, like closer, closer, closer.
216
00:13:06,119.58842605 --> 00:13:07,679.58842605
And simultaneously.
217
00:13:08,729.58842605 --> 00:13:12,239.58842605
It's like, I feel this inability to be with it.
218
00:13:12,239.58842605 --> 00:13:12,719.58842605
I feel this.
219
00:13:13,199.58842605 --> 00:13:14,639.58842605
This arm's length.
220
00:13:15,329.58842605 --> 00:13:16,469.58842605
Thing that happens.
221
00:13:16,469.58842605 --> 00:13:19,169.58842605
It's like, I can't get close enough.
222
00:13:19,169.58842605 --> 00:13:21,29.58842605
And also I'm holding my arm out.
223
00:13:21,989.58842605 --> 00:13:22,889.58842605
Absolutely.
224
00:13:25,889.58842605 --> 00:13:26,609.58842605
And.
225
00:13:27,119.58842605 --> 00:13:28,769.58842605
It's the same with.
226
00:13:28,769.58842605 --> 00:13:29,909.58842605
Pictures.
227
00:13:33,839.58842605 --> 00:13:42,379.58842605
Nd then the inevitable question that comes from that is like, But what would, what would happen? Like what would it look like to.
228
00:13:43,79.58842605 --> 00:13:45,989.58842605
Try something different in that situation.
229
00:13:46,499.58842605 --> 00:13:47,669.58842605
I don't even know what that means.
230
00:13:47,699.58842605 --> 00:13:48,749.58842605
Like what, like.
231
00:13:51,89.58842605 --> 00:13:52,409.58842605
Refused to take.
232
00:13:52,439.58842605 --> 00:13:54,929.58842605
A picture, refuse to let myself leave.
233
00:13:55,769.58842605 --> 00:13:58,829.58842605
A situation that I'm like, so antsy and restless in.
234
00:14:00,119.58842605 --> 00:14:05,189.58842605
Um, I don't know.
235
00:14:07,989.58842605 --> 00:14:11,109.58842605
Because I find that even if you're physically.
236
00:14:11,949.58842605 --> 00:14:13,659.58842605
Making yourself do something.
237
00:14:14,829.58842605 --> 00:14:16,929.58842605
The mental component is so much.
238
00:14:17,799.58842605 --> 00:14:18,759.58842605
Stronger.
239
00:14:20,109.58842605 --> 00:14:24,279.58842605
The monkey mind of like, Running in circles.
240
00:14:24,279.58842605 --> 00:14:27,939.58842605
I could still be happening, even if you're like, no, I will sit my ass.
241
00:14:28,629.58842605 --> 00:14:30,849.58842605
On this couch and watched them play.
242
00:14:31,389.58842605 --> 00:14:33,339.58842605
And P in my life.
243
00:14:35,572.55894759 --> 00:14:36,862.55894759
So going back to a.
244
00:14:38,452.55894759 --> 00:14:40,162.55894759
I was saying before.
245
00:14:41,932.55894759 --> 00:14:42,892.55894759
Um, so much.
246
00:14:43,732.55894759 --> 00:14:45,322.55894759
More fascinated with.
247
00:14:46,612.55894759 --> 00:14:48,82.55894759
Everything around.
248
00:14:49,912.55894759 --> 00:14:50,782.55894759
The thing.
249
00:14:51,262.55894759 --> 00:14:54,952.55894759
Like, like if it's the picture or the piece of art, like.
250
00:14:55,672.55894759 --> 00:15:01,222.55894759
How can I love something so much? As like a single piece of art.
251
00:15:01,972.55894759 --> 00:15:03,532.55894759
I could like bring me to tears.
252
00:15:03,562.55894759 --> 00:15:08,512.55894759
That's like, What I feel is like the most profound thing you can make.
253
00:15:10,912.55894759 --> 00:15:18,832.55894759
In honor and acknowledgement and recognition of something you witnessed and experienced and our processing and our thinking and our feeling.
254
00:15:18,832.55894759 --> 00:15:18,982.55894759
And.
255
00:15:19,942.55894759 --> 00:15:20,512.55894759
And yet.
256
00:15:22,822.55894759 --> 00:15:24,832.55894759
I think the thing itself is.
257
00:15:27,42.55894759 --> 00:15:28,842.55894759
So it can be so reductive.
258
00:15:29,142.55894759 --> 00:15:32,922.55894759
Like, it's not anything compared to.
259
00:15:34,422.55894759 --> 00:15:36,162.55894759
Everything that went into.
260
00:15:36,972.55894759 --> 00:15:42,222.55894759
It's creation everything that its creation causes afterwards.
261
00:15:47,832.55894759 --> 00:15:50,262.55894759
It's like I constantly come back.
262
00:15:51,312.55894759 --> 00:15:53,592.55894759
To the nothingness.
263
00:15:54,552.55894759 --> 00:15:55,992.55894759
That I've feared.
264
00:15:56,502.55894759 --> 00:15:57,462.55894759
For, so.
265
00:15:58,32.55894759 --> 00:16:03,462.55894759
Long in my life ever since I was able to conceptually.
266
00:16:04,332.55894759 --> 00:16:05,352.55894759
Got cognitively.
267
00:16:05,382.55894759 --> 00:16:14,362.55894759
I mean, like under process or understand, I don't even think, I, I don't understand, but like when my brain been on to that, like a dog with a bone, Oh, my gosh.
268
00:16:14,842.55894759 --> 00:16:16,342.55894759
One day, nothing.
269
00:16:16,702.55894759 --> 00:16:18,532.55894759
We'll exist one day.
270
00:16:19,732.55894759 --> 00:16:20,212.55894759
Death.
271
00:16:20,572.55894759 --> 00:16:21,442.55894759
One day.
272
00:16:22,102.55894759 --> 00:16:23,452.55894759
Just nothing.
273
00:16:23,482.55894759 --> 00:16:25,282.55894759
Nothing, nothing matters.
274
00:16:30,712.55894759 --> 00:16:32,62.55894759
And furiously.
275
00:16:32,962.55894759 --> 00:16:34,342.55894759
Wanting to combat that.
276
00:16:36,262.55894759 --> 00:16:40,822.5589476
And then, you know, Making it, my life.
277
00:16:42,442.5589476 --> 00:16:43,852.5589476
To contend with.
278
00:16:44,752.5589476 --> 00:16:51,52.5589476
The nothingness and finding everything in the nothingness in every way possible.
279
00:16:52,12.5589476 --> 00:16:53,152.5589476
And yet.
280
00:16:54,652.5589476 --> 00:16:58,522.5589476
And yeah, I am still.
281
00:16:59,92.5589476 --> 00:17:01,552.5589476
So fucked up.
282
00:17:06,412.5589476 --> 00:17:07,522.5589476
Oh, my gosh.
283
00:17:08,2.5589476 --> 00:17:11,872.5589476
Still like, so fucking perplex.
284
00:17:12,22.5589476 --> 00:17:18,562.5589476
It's like, Have I had the same conversation with myself in four cotillion, different ways.
285
00:17:20,842.5589476 --> 00:17:23,752.5589476
If you've listened to all these episodes, you might be like, yeah.
286
00:17:23,782.5589476 --> 00:17:26,572.5589476
As specifically, I've heard about a hundred of 'em.
287
00:17:26,692.5589476 --> 00:17:29,392.5589476
Um, A hundred episodes.
288
00:17:32,632.5589476 --> 00:17:34,342.5589476
What is this 1 0 1, 1 0 2.
289
00:17:36,622.5589476 --> 00:17:43,312.5589476
Um, Oh, This makes me think about something.
290
00:17:43,672.5589476 --> 00:17:48,52.5589476
Uh, So my absolute.
291
00:17:48,802.5589476 --> 00:17:49,882.5589476
Favorite.
292
00:17:52,12.5589476 --> 00:17:53,62.5589476
Photographer.
293
00:17:54,712.5589476 --> 00:17:59,902.5589476
I mean, I don't even it's if it feels like saying my favorite photographer, cheapen, this.
294
00:18:00,772.5589476 --> 00:18:02,722.5589476
I don't even, I have goosebumps just thinking.
295
00:18:03,862.5589476 --> 00:18:07,12.5589476
About how, what I feel and think about this person.
296
00:18:07,732.5589476 --> 00:18:10,132.5589476
Um, And I've never met him.
297
00:18:10,222.5589476 --> 00:18:13,612.5589476
Um, he's passed a bit ago.
298
00:18:14,2.5589476 --> 00:18:15,322.5589476
Uh, Larry Salton.
299
00:18:16,642.5589476 --> 00:18:17,392.5589476
He.
300
00:18:18,472.5589476 --> 00:18:18,652.5589476
I don't.
301
00:18:18,682.5589476 --> 00:18:23,272.5589476
I find that so many people that I've talked about that I mentioned M two.
302
00:18:23,812.5589476 --> 00:18:25,582.5589476
Um, Don't know him.
303
00:18:26,122.5589476 --> 00:18:27,292.5589476
I don't, I don't know.
304
00:18:27,982.5589476 --> 00:18:30,142.5589476
I don't know why, or I don't, I don't know.
305
00:18:31,72.5589476 --> 00:18:33,52.5589476
Um, But.
306
00:18:34,252.5589476 --> 00:18:35,332.5589476
He.
307
00:18:36,382.5589476 --> 00:18:38,422.5589476
Has this.
308
00:18:38,992.5589476 --> 00:18:40,912.5589476
Way of.
309
00:18:41,442.5589476 --> 00:18:42,612.5589476
Being in.
310
00:18:43,302.5589476 --> 00:18:44,412.5589476
His life.
311
00:18:44,862.5589476 --> 00:18:47,142.5589476
And being in the world.
312
00:18:48,132.5589476 --> 00:18:50,352.5589476
That resulted in.
313
00:18:50,352.5589476 --> 00:18:51,252.5589476
Such.
314
00:18:51,942.5589476 --> 00:18:53,912.5589476
Beautiful pictures he did a.
315
00:18:53,912.5589476 --> 00:18:54,512.5589476
Project.
316
00:18:55,82.5589476 --> 00:18:56,342.5589476
On his parents.
317
00:18:56,432.5589476 --> 00:18:58,712.5589476
I mean, he always documented his parents.
318
00:18:59,322.5589476 --> 00:19:00,882.5589476
Pictures from home.
319
00:19:02,442.5589476 --> 00:19:04,662.5589476
Is is my favorite.
320
00:19:04,842.5589476 --> 00:19:06,882.5589476
Body of his work, but he also did.
321
00:19:07,542.5589476 --> 00:19:10,332.5589476
Amazing like work collaborations.
322
00:19:10,732.5589476 --> 00:19:17,582.5589476
with found photographs with people like Mike Mendell and, I don't even have the.
323
00:19:18,242.5589476 --> 00:19:20,882.5589476
I can't talk about him at five 30 in the morning, too.
324
00:19:20,882.5589476 --> 00:19:21,992.5589476
Exhausted by it.
325
00:19:23,912.5589476 --> 00:19:25,202.5589476
But he.
326
00:19:26,762.5589476 --> 00:19:29,222.5589476
Made it a point in his book to include.
327
00:19:30,692.5589476 --> 00:19:32,792.5589476
Such powerful text.
328
00:19:33,302.5589476 --> 00:19:34,352.5589476
That included.
329
00:19:35,12.5589476 --> 00:19:37,472.5589476
Words and perspectives from his parents.
330
00:19:38,12.5589476 --> 00:19:42,992.5589476
And, um, And he didn't adhere to.
331
00:19:43,832.5589476 --> 00:19:45,242.5589476
Uh, type of.
332
00:19:45,842.5589476 --> 00:19:48,152.5589476
Process a type of photography.
333
00:19:48,242.5589476 --> 00:19:48,782.5589476
He.
334
00:19:50,372.5589476 --> 00:19:59,552.5589476
He, I mean, like obviously using found photographs, uh, you know, Using film using his words.
335
00:19:59,822.5589476 --> 00:20:03,362.5589476
Using, um, pictures of objects to communicate.
336
00:20:03,572.5589476 --> 00:20:07,262.5589476
Uh, and comment on whatever he was looking at.
337
00:20:08,582.5589476 --> 00:20:14,162.5589476
But bringing his parents into the conversation and also.
338
00:20:16,262.5589476 --> 00:20:20,702.5589476
Being open to staging photographs because.
339
00:20:23,72.5589476 --> 00:20:24,572.5589476
Finding the moment in it.
340
00:20:25,802.5589476 --> 00:20:27,332.5589476
Documentary sense.
341
00:20:28,52.5589476 --> 00:20:28,562.5589476
Wasn't.
342
00:20:29,282.5589476 --> 00:20:29,942.5589476
Enough.
343
00:20:30,242.5589476 --> 00:20:35,642.5589476
Uh, at for some things that there were portraits that he had in his brain that he wanted to make.
344
00:20:35,642.5589476 --> 00:20:39,122.5589476
There were, there were symbols representations.
345
00:20:39,572.5589476 --> 00:20:44,732.5589476
That he was playing with and he wasn't going to be confined by.
346
00:20:45,782.5589476 --> 00:20:48,2.5589476
You know, Documentary.
347
00:20:48,722.5589476 --> 00:20:49,862.5589476
Photojournalism.
348
00:20:50,342.5589476 --> 00:20:56,492.5589476
Versus like, there's a very specific picture I want to make and yeah, I'm staging it.
349
00:20:57,392.5589476 --> 00:21:08,222.5589476
What does that mean? What does that have to mean? Um, There's this.
350
00:21:09,572.5589476 --> 00:21:11,342.5589476
Blurb about blurb.
351
00:21:12,212.5589476 --> 00:21:19,352.5589476
There's this paragraph about how there's this one night or afternoon or something like that, that he went news.
352
00:21:20,702.5589476 --> 00:21:26,432.5589476
His parents were him and his mom was taking a nap and her foot was like sticking out from the blanket.
353
00:21:26,432.5589476 --> 00:21:28,232.5589476
And it was like the underside of her foot.
354
00:21:28,982.5589476 --> 00:21:30,602.5589476
Or something to that effect.
355
00:21:30,602.5589476 --> 00:21:39,362.5589476
And he was like, I never saw the underside of her foot before in that way, or I never looked at it or I never, you know, It just.
356
00:21:40,472.5589476 --> 00:21:41,792.5589476
Shook him and.
357
00:21:42,572.5589476 --> 00:21:44,102.5589476
And he had this thought around.
358
00:21:46,82.5589476 --> 00:21:47,162.5589476
Just never want.
359
00:21:48,122.5589476 --> 00:21:49,862.5589476
My parents to go.
360
00:21:49,952.5589476 --> 00:21:51,392.5589476
I want them to live forever.
361
00:21:52,52.5589476 --> 00:21:54,2.5589476
And it's like these trigger points.
362
00:21:54,722.5589476 --> 00:21:55,622.5589476
That happen.
363
00:21:57,782.5589476 --> 00:21:58,682.5589476
That you.
364
00:22:01,82.5589476 --> 00:22:03,542.5589476
When you allow yourself to linger with them.
365
00:22:05,672.5589476 --> 00:22:07,712.5589476
They give you so much more.
366
00:22:07,712.5589476 --> 00:22:08,942.5589476
They give you so much.
367
00:22:10,112.5589476 --> 00:22:11,792.5589476
Grounding, they give you so much.
368
00:22:12,512.5589476 --> 00:22:18,362.5589476
Um, So many like internal messages about.
369
00:22:20,12.5589476 --> 00:22:24,782.5589476
How you want to be living your life and what is important to you and.
370
00:22:26,12.5589476 --> 00:22:28,592.5589476
Yada, yada, yada, I can't even, I, sorry.
371
00:22:29,102.5589476 --> 00:22:30,452.5589476
Let me drink my coffee.
372
00:22:33,692.5589476 --> 00:22:34,682.5589476
Getting tired again.
373
00:22:35,372.5589476 --> 00:22:36,272.5589476
This'll be great.
374
00:22:36,362.5589476 --> 00:22:37,442.5589476
It's 5 38.
375
00:22:37,742.5589476 --> 00:22:43,352.5589476
I'm ready to go to bed and my kids are going to be up any second.
376
00:22:44,162.5589476 --> 00:22:47,102.5589476
Um, Anyway with him.
377
00:22:48,332.5589476 --> 00:22:56,792.5589476
I have traveled for his, like, I've gotten on planes to go to his shows and, you know, The LACMA and.
378
00:22:57,722.5589476 --> 00:23:01,322.5589476
Um, I remember here he was the first.
379
00:23:01,922.5589476 --> 00:23:02,972.5589476
Big purchase.
380
00:23:02,972.5589476 --> 00:23:05,642.5589476
Quote-unquote big I'd ever made.
381
00:23:05,922.5589476 --> 00:23:10,92.5589476
When I was younger, like I remember I spent like $500 on.
382
00:23:10,722.5589476 --> 00:23:12,222.5589476
A book that was signed by him.
383
00:23:12,582.5589476 --> 00:23:18,262.5589476
On eBay and it was four bill love Larry or something? I'm like, Bill.
384
00:23:18,262.5589476 --> 00:23:22,702.5589476
What the fuck? How can you spell? And I remember the.
385
00:23:23,482.5589476 --> 00:23:28,912.5589476
You know, the perfect, like shrink, wrapped version of that book with available for much less.
386
00:23:29,692.5589476 --> 00:23:34,552.5589476
And I was like, I have to have the thing that he touched and I don't get like that.
387
00:23:34,552.5589476 --> 00:23:35,332.5589476
Like I'm not.
388
00:23:37,792.5589476 --> 00:23:39,232.5589476
And there's so few.
389
00:23:40,492.5589476 --> 00:23:43,702.5589476
Things that I care about in that way, like in a.
390
00:23:44,32.5589476 --> 00:23:44,602.5589476
I don't know.
391
00:23:44,662.5589476 --> 00:23:50,902.5589476
How would you say it like a celebrity way or in a like glorified way, but I just feel so connected to him.
392
00:23:50,902.5589476 --> 00:23:52,852.5589476
And maybe that sounds creepy anyway.
393
00:23:53,362.5589476 --> 00:23:56,572.5589476
Um, But it's like with him.
394
00:23:57,232.5589476 --> 00:24:01,252.5589476
I'm so devastated that there's no more work to be made.
395
00:24:02,212.5589476 --> 00:24:03,112.5589476
From him.
396
00:24:04,402.5589476 --> 00:24:05,662.5589476
Like live.
397
00:24:06,772.5589476 --> 00:24:07,522.5589476
And.,
398
00:24:08,452.5589476 --> 00:24:09,922.5589476
I ache for that.
399
00:24:10,12.5589476 --> 00:24:11,152.5589476
And I also.
400
00:24:12,412.5589476 --> 00:24:13,402.5589476
Avoid.
401
00:24:14,182.5589476 --> 00:24:15,442.5589476
Pursuing.
402
00:24:15,442.5589476 --> 00:24:16,342.5589476
Learning more.
403
00:24:16,762.5589476 --> 00:24:17,302.5589476
About him.
404
00:24:17,512.5589476 --> 00:24:21,622.5589476
I have this book about him, like literally about his lightweight.
405
00:24:21,862.5589476 --> 00:24:23,332.5589476
I think it's just called blurry Sultan.
406
00:24:24,232.5589476 --> 00:24:25,852.5589476
Uh, biography or whatever it is.
407
00:24:26,332.5589476 --> 00:24:27,22.5589476
I haven't read it.
408
00:24:28,372.5589476 --> 00:24:29,572.5589476
Do you have any books? I've read.
409
00:24:31,162.5589476 --> 00:24:32,272.5589476
This is my favorite for.
410
00:24:32,572.5589476 --> 00:24:34,702.5589476
It's like, I feel like I can't bear it.
411
00:24:34,702.5589476 --> 00:24:35,692.5589476
I don't, I don't.
412
00:24:37,132.5589476 --> 00:24:37,612.5589476
What.
413
00:24:39,232.5589476 --> 00:24:40,312.5589476
It's insane.
414
00:24:41,512.5589476 --> 00:24:44,62.5589476
I've never from cover to cover.
415
00:24:45,22.5589476 --> 00:24:46,102.5589476
Read that book of his.
416
00:24:48,652.5589476 --> 00:24:49,492.5589476
In one go.
417
00:24:49,942.5589476 --> 00:24:50,662.5589476
I just can't.
418
00:24:51,742.5589476 --> 00:24:53,872.5589476
It's like, I, I always have to close it.
419
00:24:54,502.5589476 --> 00:24:57,322.5589476
Or go to a random spot in the book.
420
00:24:57,682.5589476 --> 00:24:59,842.5589476
Spend some time and then put it away, I guess.
421
00:24:59,902.5589476 --> 00:25:00,982.5589476
I just cannot.
422
00:25:02,152.5589476 --> 00:25:04,372.5589476
Take it in, in one sitting.
423
00:25:04,402.5589476 --> 00:25:07,822.5589476
I don't even want to, I feel like.
424
00:25:08,382.5589476 --> 00:25:08,862.5589476
I don't know.
425
00:25:09,642.5589476 --> 00:25:12,762.5589476
Uh, it, it feels like the same common thread.
426
00:25:13,512.5589476 --> 00:25:15,222.5589476
With everything else I'm talking about.
427
00:25:18,282.5589476 --> 00:25:22,512.5589476
It's like, maybe that like once I, I do it's done, like I can't.
428
00:25:23,232.5589476 --> 00:25:25,452.5589476
Have that experience again, because there's no more.
429
00:25:25,632.5589476 --> 00:25:27,642.5589476
Stuff to be made or like add.
430
00:25:28,552.5589476 --> 00:25:28,972.5589476
I don't know.
431
00:25:31,282.5589476 --> 00:25:34,552.5589476
I have just always found that the things that I.
432
00:25:36,332.5589476 --> 00:25:40,172.5589476
Love the most, like really hurt me.
433
00:25:41,182.5589476 --> 00:25:42,652.5589476
And I don't mean like in a.
434
00:25:43,642.5589476 --> 00:25:47,392.5589476
You know, scorn me or, you know, I mean, it just.
435
00:25:49,102.5589476 --> 00:25:50,242.5589476
Feels unbearable.
436
00:25:51,722.5589476 --> 00:25:54,242.5589476
And that's why I make pictures.
437
00:25:56,642.5589476 --> 00:25:59,282.5589476
And also the pictures don't satisfy me.
438
00:26:02,792.5589476 --> 00:26:04,222.5589476
It's insatiable.
439
00:26:07,892.5589476 --> 00:26:10,712.5589476
The practice itself is the point.
440
00:26:13,412.5589476 --> 00:26:19,812.5589476
So whenever I have the picture,, I love it so deeply and I'm most like, and that's not the point.
441
00:26:21,852.5589476 --> 00:26:22,662.5589476
And then.
442
00:26:24,152.5589476 --> 00:26:27,872.5589476
I think that what drives me wild is that.
443
00:26:29,132.5589476 --> 00:26:30,872.5589476
If I know that's not the point.
444
00:26:32,642.5589476 --> 00:26:34,622.5589476
And I feel that's not the point.
445
00:26:37,292.5589476 --> 00:26:45,362.5589476
And I know that everything before and the process and the experience and the witnessing and all of that is the point.
446
00:26:48,872.5589476 --> 00:26:54,572.5589476
The, why do I keep taking myself out of that to make the pictures.
447
00:26:58,172.5589476 --> 00:27:00,92.5589476
And to be with the pictures.
448
00:27:06,202.5589476 --> 00:27:11,722.5589476
Do you know, Do you.
449
00:27:12,922.5589476 --> 00:27:20,662.5589476
Do you have an answer? Do you have you mold over this? Do you relate to this? Do you.
450
00:27:21,822.5589476 --> 00:27:22,332.5589476
I don't know.
451
00:27:24,72.5589476 --> 00:27:28,902.5589476
My relationship with picture making and creating and processing.
452
00:27:29,472.5589476 --> 00:27:30,492.5589476
Feels.
453
00:27:32,382.5589476 --> 00:27:34,32.5589476
Like home to me.
454
00:27:34,32.5589476 --> 00:27:35,472.5589476
And it is my way of.
455
00:27:36,472.5589476 --> 00:27:38,632.5589476
Digesting consuming.
456
00:27:39,262.5589476 --> 00:27:39,952.5589476
My life.
457
00:27:42,322.5589476 --> 00:27:43,582.5589476
Eating my life.
458
00:27:44,2.5589476 --> 00:27:44,692.5589476
And.
459
00:27:45,692.5589476 --> 00:27:49,262.5589476
The ferociousness, the restlessness just makes me.
460
00:27:50,822.5589476 --> 00:27:51,572.5589476
Question.
461
00:27:54,542.5589476 --> 00:28:03,22.5589476
Like what is going on here? When I look at a photo, I make a.
462
00:28:04,672.5589476 --> 00:28:06,292.5589476
I think to myself.
463
00:28:08,362.5589476 --> 00:28:09,82.5589476
This.
464
00:28:10,702.5589476 --> 00:28:13,732.5589476
Like, this is the thing that I can't touch inside of me.
465
00:28:13,762.5589476 --> 00:28:15,412.5589476
This is the thing I can't name.
466
00:28:15,862.5589476 --> 00:28:16,822.5589476
The here it is.
467
00:28:17,362.5589476 --> 00:28:17,992.5589476
It's right here.
468
00:28:18,742.5589476 --> 00:28:20,422.5589476
And it's over here and I've made it.
469
00:28:21,262.5589476 --> 00:28:22,612.5589476
Thousands of times.
470
00:28:23,242.5589476 --> 00:28:24,292.5589476
I've I've seen it.
471
00:28:24,322.5589476 --> 00:28:24,982.5589476
I can touch it.
472
00:28:25,612.5589476 --> 00:28:26,572.5589476
Outside of me.
473
00:28:34,252.5589476 --> 00:28:36,772.5589476
This thing that I can't get at.
474
00:28:37,372.5589476 --> 00:28:38,572.5589476
I get at it.
475
00:28:39,892.5589476 --> 00:28:40,882.5589476
In a million.
476
00:28:41,302.5589476 --> 00:28:45,82.5589476
Different ways in a million different times, I've taken a picture.
477
00:28:45,442.5589476 --> 00:28:51,682.5589476
And then I look at it and I'm like, This, this, this, this, this.
478
00:28:56,32.5589476 --> 00:28:59,182.5589476
But there's no finality in it and there's no.
479
00:29:00,772.5589476 --> 00:29:03,652.5589476
I don't know, it just seems to be just as mysterious to me.
480
00:29:04,432.5589476 --> 00:29:08,92.5589476
Just as mysterious as E even though I'm looking at it.
481
00:29:09,532.5589476 --> 00:29:17,512.5589476
In a million different ways through a million different people, through a million different scenarios, whether it's my personal work or my client work.
482
00:29:17,752.5589476 --> 00:29:19,312.5589476
Or whatever it is.
483
00:29:19,882.5589476 --> 00:29:27,2.5589476
With my real quote, unquote real camera with my cell phone, I've touched the thing that this whole episode is about.
484
00:29:27,2.5589476 --> 00:29:28,22.5589476
My whole life is about.
485
00:29:28,862.5589476 --> 00:29:33,32.5589476
A million different times in taking a photo and making of a photo.
486
00:29:35,342.5589476 --> 00:29:39,272.5589476
And in the combination that have some words with a photo, like.
487
00:29:39,962.5589476 --> 00:29:41,42.5589476
I've encountered it.
488
00:29:41,612.5589476 --> 00:29:42,542.5589476
So much.
489
00:29:44,732.5589476 --> 00:29:45,992.5589476
Regularly, I'd say.
490
00:29:46,652.5589476 --> 00:29:47,342.5589476
And yet.
491
00:29:50,852.5589476 --> 00:29:51,482.5589476
Unrest.
492
00:29:55,562.5589476 --> 00:30:07,342.5589476
What is that? I think the greatest piece that I find in this.
493
00:30:08,542.5589476 --> 00:30:09,352.5589476
Kerfuffle.
494
00:30:12,862.5589476 --> 00:30:14,692.5589476
What a strange word to call it.
495
00:30:15,292.5589476 --> 00:30:16,792.5589476
Uh, is.
496
00:30:17,752.5589476 --> 00:30:19,462.5589476
The greatest piece I find.
497
00:30:20,692.5589476 --> 00:30:21,802.5589476
From this.
498
00:30:22,402.5589476 --> 00:30:24,142.5589476
Is that I know.
499
00:30:26,812.5589476 --> 00:30:32,572.5589476
That I am locked in with what I know to be.
500
00:30:33,322.5589476 --> 00:30:35,62.5589476
The most important.
501
00:30:36,652.5589476 --> 00:30:37,132.5589476
Dance.
502
00:30:37,132.5589476 --> 00:30:50,602.5589476
I could be dancing for myself, right? Dancing with a question and having questions is so much more important than to having an answer, but we're human and.
503
00:30:51,442.5589476 --> 00:30:53,782.5589476
That doesn't stop me from wanting.
504
00:30:55,12.5589476 --> 00:30:57,622.5589476
An answer or something that quells.
505
00:30:58,792.5589476 --> 00:30:59,422.5589476
MI.
506
00:30:59,782.5589476 --> 00:31:01,282.5589476
You know, like it gives me.
507
00:31:01,972.5589476 --> 00:31:03,172.5589476
Peace and stillness.
508
00:31:03,352.5589476 --> 00:31:03,772.5589476
but.
509
00:31:06,452.5589476 --> 00:31:08,732.5589476
The practice itself is the point.
510
00:31:08,762.5589476 --> 00:31:13,532.5589476
Well, I got the point down, pat, let me tell you I'm in this practice.
511
00:31:15,122.5589476 --> 00:31:16,532.5589476
But I still feel like.
512
00:31:17,312.5589476 --> 00:31:19,892.5589476
Maybe one day, maybe one picture.
513
00:31:21,212.5589476 --> 00:31:24,302.5589476
Well, Tell me the thing.
514
00:31:24,842.5589476 --> 00:31:27,272.5589476
I don't know what the thing is, but it'll tell me maybe.
515
00:31:32,62.5589476 --> 00:31:32,482.5589476
Oh boy.
516
00:31:33,282.5589476 --> 00:31:33,942.5589476
It's kind of like.
517
00:31:37,662.5589476 --> 00:31:38,982.5589476
I remember when.
518
00:31:39,612.5589476 --> 00:31:41,442.5589476
Well, I mean, commercials are still a thing.
519
00:31:41,802.5589476 --> 00:31:43,332.5589476
You don't pay to remove your heads.
520
00:31:43,642.5589476 --> 00:31:44,962.5589476
But growing up.
521
00:31:45,382.5589476 --> 00:31:46,372.5589476
Anytime there's a commercial.
522
00:31:46,372.5589476 --> 00:31:48,232.5589476
I'd like go out to the fridge.
523
00:31:49,102.5589476 --> 00:31:50,32.5589476
Uh, CNN.
524
00:31:50,542.5589476 --> 00:31:51,322.5589476
There's nothing in here.
525
00:31:51,322.5589476 --> 00:31:51,892.5589476
I want.
526
00:31:53,62.5589476 --> 00:31:54,532.5589476
Go back inside your bedroom.
527
00:31:55,402.5589476 --> 00:31:57,202.5589476
And the next commercial go back and check.
528
00:31:57,232.5589476 --> 00:32:00,922.5589476
See if anything new has appeared within the last 12 minutes.
529
00:32:04,432.5589476 --> 00:32:08,242.5589476
Maybe I missed something, maybe something new will pop up to me.
530
00:32:08,242.5589476 --> 00:32:11,782.5589476
Maybe I'll realize that I actually do want this or.
531
00:32:12,472.5589476 --> 00:32:13,132.5589476
Blah, blah, blah.
532
00:32:18,202.5589476 --> 00:32:18,652.5589476
Okay.
533
00:32:20,52.5589476 --> 00:32:23,562.5589476
I hope that.
534
00:32:24,852.5589476 --> 00:32:26,832.5589476
You have a beautiful day.
535
00:32:28,662.5589476 --> 00:32:30,342.5589476
Keep me in your thoughts.
536
00:32:31,422.5589476 --> 00:32:32,472.5589476
As I wrap this.
537
00:32:33,612.5589476 --> 00:32:37,302.5589476
This recording at 5:52 AM.
538
00:32:38,232.5589476 --> 00:32:41,442.5589476
And anticipate hearing little footsteps.
539
00:32:41,892.5589476 --> 00:32:42,822.5589476
At any moment.
540
00:32:44,412.5589476 --> 00:32:46,722.5589476
I've been up since three, already.
541
00:32:49,942.5589476 --> 00:32:50,122.5589476
Yeah.
542
00:32:52,792.5589476 --> 00:32:57,862.5589476
I just hope that, you know, Whatever.
543
00:32:59,2.5589476 --> 00:33:02,62.5589476
Whatever your version of this is whatever.
544
00:33:03,232.5589476 --> 00:33:06,112.5589476
Lifelong question, whatever.
545
00:33:08,362.5589476 --> 00:33:09,832.5589476
Whatever this is for you.,
546
00:33:12,682.5589476 --> 00:33:14,362.5589476
Purity of intent.
547
00:33:17,182.5589476 --> 00:33:19,192.5589476
That lives inside Of you.
548
00:33:19,942.5589476 --> 00:33:21,382.5589476
Through your making.
549
00:33:22,462.5589476 --> 00:33:25,762.5589476
Through you're creating in whatever version that is.
550
00:33:26,752.5589476 --> 00:33:33,232.5589476
Through your photography, your painting, your writing, your conscious parenting, your home, making your, whatever it is.
551
00:33:33,982.5589476 --> 00:33:35,2.5589476
You're singing.
552
00:33:35,452.5589476 --> 00:33:36,382.5589476
Whatever it is.
553
00:33:38,912.5589476 --> 00:33:39,722.5589476
That is.
554
00:33:41,102.5589476 --> 00:33:41,852.5589476
That is it.
555
00:33:43,262.5589476 --> 00:33:45,32.5589476
Anything else is just bonus.
556
00:33:47,852.5589476 --> 00:33:48,362.5589476
And any.
557
00:33:49,982.5589476 --> 00:33:54,212.5589476
Fucked up part is I feel like any quote-unquote answer we can feel like we find.
558
00:33:54,902.5589476 --> 00:33:57,32.5589476
It's probably transient anyway.
559
00:33:57,602.5589476 --> 00:34:00,632.5589476
Depending on what version of self has discovered it.
560
00:34:00,632.5589476 --> 00:34:01,532.5589476
So.
561
00:34:02,342.5589476 --> 00:34:07,772.5589476
Basically all the last, however many minutes of your life is moot point because.
562
00:34:13,682.5589476 --> 00:34:14,492.5589476
Because.
563
00:34:15,752.5589476 --> 00:34:16,472.5589476
Even.
564
00:34:17,222.5589476 --> 00:34:22,892.5589476
If you find an answer that feels satisfactory to you, that feels like an it judgment scratched.
565
00:34:25,412.5589476 --> 00:34:25,922.5589476
And you went.
566
00:34:27,32.5589476 --> 00:34:27,692.5589476
Welcome.
567
00:34:28,232.5589476 --> 00:34:29,372.5589476
I knew which will come.
568
00:34:31,442.5589476 --> 00:34:32,162.5589476
Okay.
569
00:34:34,112.5589476 --> 00:34:37,712.5589476
I am going to finish my lukewarm coffee, maybe.
570
00:34:37,982.5589476 --> 00:34:40,172.5589476
Fill her up, warm it up.
571
00:34:40,922.5589476 --> 00:34:43,382.5589476
And I will see you.
572
00:34:43,742.5589476 --> 00:34:44,852.5589476
Next week.
573
00:34:45,902.5589476 --> 00:34:47,222.5589476
Have a beautiful week.
574
00:34:48,482.5589476 --> 00:34:50,72.5589476
Thank you for being here.
575
00:34:50,102.5589476 --> 00:34:51,272.5589476
Thank you for listening.
576
00:34:53,70.3820768 --> 00:34:56,290.3820768
This has been an Awkward Sage Production.
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